Welcome, my people, to the first edition of my SEC Power Rankings, which are not to be taken the least bit seriously. Let’s be honest: The rankings are merely a prop allowing me to make bad jokes and stupid pop-culture references. But like they say, write what you know. Last year’s final ranking is in parentheses.
Please enjoy, burn after reading.
Team (Pvs): Comment
1. LSU (1): In preparation for its game Saturday against LSU, Washington brought a real live Bengal tiger to practice. Coach Steve Sarkisian was disappointed, as he’d been under the impression the Bangles were coming to practice to inspire the troops.
2. Alabama (2): Nick Saban doesn’t want positive coverage of his program in a state that’s filled to the brim with rabid fans who get offended by anyone who doesn’t kiss Saban’s toes. Did his rant make a lick of sense? No. But Saban scoffs at logic and anything else that gets in the way of his plan to be the most dour man on Earth.
4. Georgia (4): “Old-man football,” eh? OK, so who plays young-hipster football in the SEC? The answer is Kentucky, which is too cool for your antiquated “touchdowns” and “explosive plays” and “competent play-calling.”
5. South Carolina (5): Looks like QB Connor Shaw will be a game-time decision. Steve Spurrier had considered a breakthrough arm transplant procedure with Stephen Garcia as the donor, since he’s not doing anything. But they found that Garcia’s arm moves only in one direction.
6. Mississippi State (7): Welp, hopefully Dewayne Cherrington has worked on his tunnel-exiting strategy this week. Just imagine if Nick James had also been in that pileup. They’d have broken the end zone.
9. Florida (9): BREAKING NEWS: New UF offensive coordinator Brent Pease has a potty mouth, and shame on him for not being an upstanding example of Christian virtue just like all the other coaches in the SEC.
10. Missouri (NR): Welcome to the SEC, because yet another team called the Tigers is exactly what we needed. They don’t even have a live tiger as a mascot; neither does Auburn, but at least it has an eagle that sometimes flies into windows.
12. Vanderbilt (8): Vandy plays Northwestern this week in the Overachievers Bowl. I never liked overachievers in school, especially this one kid named Brett Causey. Smart, athletic, handsome, dated the girl I pined for. What made it worse was he was such a nice guy. Annnnd, yep, nothing seems to have changed.
13. Ole Miss (12): The Rebels had a little trouble with Central Arkansas the other night, and now the competition gets stiffer with UTEP. Don’t laugh, just ask Oklahoma, whose Sooner Schooner was viciously attacked by Mike Price.
14. Kentucky (10): Yes, the Wildcats stink, but at least they haven’t done what this week’s opponent, Kent State, did last week. Oh, wait, never mind, that appears to be their whole offensive philosophy.