SEC Power Rankings: In Which Louis Watson’s Parents Call Auburn’s Plays

Cool offense you have there, Auburn. It’s really awesome. *Broomfield TFL* *Louis Watson’s parents grin* (Photo illustration by C. Todd Sherman)

You know what the SEC Power Rankings need? A pointless, irrelevant music-related hook. Just because. I picked up an album last night by a new band called Discount Guns, and if you like the raw, immensely satisfying sounds of the Black Keys, then you’ll love these guys. And they’re from Louisville, Ky., which isn’t technically SEC country but is close enough.

Crank it up!

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Team (Pvs): Comment

1. LSU (1): The Tigers’ depth is getting tested further, as four players have been ruled academically ineligible this season. That makes for 11 scholarship players lost for various reasons, which ain’t good, but what else isn’t good was the lead sentence of that story I linked up. Glenn Guilbeau was trying way too hard. Not that I can talk. I once wrote about a kid who had a curveball that could “freeze Satan’s armpits.” Yeah…

2. Alabama (2): Apparently offensive tackle D.J. Fluker was tipping plays to Western Kentucky last week. Not intentionally, I presume, but much like a pitcher sometimes tips off a batter to what he’s about to throw. When informed of this, Bama coach Nick Saban said, “They were bird or rabbit off him?” That is a wonderfully colorful phrase from a man who hates every color but crimson and dark, dark black, and hates you.

3. Georgia (4): Linebacker Jarvis Jones is a man-beast, and he comes from the same genus of freaks as Jadeveon Clowney and Barkevious Mingo (although not as awesomely named). There is already Heisman buzz for Jones, and the wise course of action for the Downtown Athletic Club would be to quietly place the trophy in an open meadow and slowly back away. Have a backup trophy handy, because Jones might mistake the first for a real running back and swallow it whole (3:00 mark).

4. South Carolina (5): Steve Spurrier says that if injured QB Connor Shaw is going to play against UAB this weekend, he’ll need to be able to throw downfield without pain. Spurrier also does not believe in thresholds when it comes to pain, because if it hurts too much to play, that’s not a threshold, that’s the weakness of a thousand Jesse Palmers.

5. Mississippi State (6): Your second baseball metaphor of the day: Yeah, MSU knew what Auburn QB Kiehl Frazier was throwing. Safety Corey Broomfield was talking Tuesday about a tackle-for-loss he had: “It was a formation we see (that) every time they run the formation, they run the same play every time. I was talking to Louis (Watson), he said his parents were calling the plays in the stands. It’s only right that we made the play.” PEOPLE IN THE STANDS ARE PREDICTING YOUR EVERY OFFENSIVE MOVE, GENE CHIZIK. In related news, Chizik has been sending “Miss You” cards to Gus Malzahn by the dozens.

6. Tennessee (7): The University of Tennessee refuses to credential the great Spencer Hall, which is a shame, because trust me, Spencer would get to the bottom of how Tyler Bray‘s tendency to throw beer bottles springs from a deep-rooted sense of detachment from this world. He just needed someone to catch those beer bottles for him, man.

7. Arkansas (3): LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

8. Florida (9): I can’t think of a more delicious coaching matchup than Will Muschamp vs. Derek Dooley, which happens this weekend in Knoxville. The coach that makes the fewest DERPS will win.

9. Missouri (10): So, Sheldon Richardson was kept away from the media this week, but he did apologize to Mark Richt after the game for that “old-man football” comment. He then complimented Richt on his great complexion, and then things got kinda weird, and then Jarvis Jones gave someone a concussion probably.

10. Auburn (8): Hey, Auburn, ULM says you’re up.

11. Texas A&M (11): Kliff Kingsbury would like everyone to know that A&M is not Stephen F. Austin. No, sir. The Aggies are Brad Lidge.

12. Vanderbilt (12): Yes, Vandy is 0-2 and still above Ole Miss. Because Vandy has actually played against real football teams, like South Carolina and Northwestern, and plus I felt bad for the Commodores because they were stuck in Chicago until Sunday morning, but that’s OK because James Franklin picked up two three-star commits at the magazine kiosk.

13. Ole Miss (13): The Rebels are 2-0. How ’bout that, said Mack Brown and Manny Diaz before breaking into laughter because Oxford is going to be painted orange, and also red with the blood of Bo Wallace.

14. Kentucky (14): Exhibit A as to why stats mean almost nothing two weeks into the season: Kentucky QB Maxwell Smith is second in the league in passing yards per game. You’re so bad, Kentucky, you don’t even deserve a link. I am probably going to go buy some of your state’s fine whiskey later on, though, unless Joker Phillips has drunk it all.

I am the online content coordinator for DJournal.com. Previously at the Journal, I covered Mississippi State athletics (2008-13), high schools (2004-08), and was on the copy desk (2002-04). I'm working on a recipe for bacon-flavored coffee, which would solve all the world's problems.

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  • Can’t get enough of that Discount Guns album, and I just picked up some Woodford Reserve. It’s been a good day.



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