Hey there, people. It’s late, but here are this week’s SEC Power Rankings. They probably go down better with a nightcap anyway. Enjoy.
Team (Pvs): Comment
1. Alabama (1): Nick Saban apparently is impervious to the inspirational words of Tim Tebow. So what does inspire Saban? I’m not entirely sure, but I believe it involves a scythe, a barrel of castor oil and two walk-on freshmen.
2. LSU (2): Perhaps I should’ve dropped the Tigers after last week’s struggles, but for some reason I just don’t feel like trifling with Les Miles today.
3. Georgia (3): So, are key defensive players Bacarri Rambo and Alec Ogletree really back this week? How much will they be needed against Tennessee’s explosive offense? More important, is QB Aaron Murray a stud or just a football nerd?
4. South Carolina (4): Safety D.J. Swearinger, suspended a game for delivering a hit too high, said he’ll start aiming lower. ACLs everywhere just quivered.
5. Mississippi State (5): Earlier this week, MSU unveiled specialty uniforms for the Texas A&M and Ole Miss games. For the A&M game, I hear MSU is bringing in fake snow. I say rent a fleet of crop dusters and create a blizzard at Davis Wade Stadium. Internet, get on that Photoshop job for me, thanks.
6. Florida (6): Sorry, Florida fans, but he just won’t go away.
7. Tennessee (7): Hey, UT has a kicker now. But whenever I see the name Derrick Brodus, I automatically think of Calvin Broadus, a.ka. Snoop Dogg, a.k.a. Snoop Lion. Yeah, I’m sure it was a spiritual awakening.
8. Missouri (8): OBVIOUSLY DORIAL GREEN-BECKHAM IS A BUST. OBVIOUSLY.
9. Ole Miss (13): Whoa, lookit the Rebels jumping up four spots, sitting on 3-1 after blanking Tulane. Yes sir, things are a’changing in Oxford. Wait, they play who this week? /reality check’d
10. Auburn (10): Haha, sad people painted orange.
11. Texas A&M (11): So, A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel rescued a stray kitten the other day. While helping an old lady cross the street. While serving food to the homeless. While explaining the meaning of life to the Dalai Lama.
12. Arkansas (9): So, John L. Smith had a Freudian slip of the tongue when he called the state of Arkansas by the wrong name – Alabama. Hey, the confusion is understandable. Both states contain heavily myopic fan bases who do really weird things. (Of course her name is Liz Honey. How could it possibly be anything else?)
13. Vanderbilt (12): What the heck, Vandy? Why are you being so … Vandy-like? Oh … yeah, OK.