LESLIE CRISS: It takes an astute mind to appreciate good puns

By Leslie Criss/NEMS Daily Journal

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

“A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.”
– Charles Lamb

A good friend sent me an email several months ago called Puns for Educated Minds. I love a good pun and admire folks who can come up with one on the run. It’s not that easy.
And, quite frankly, I believe it takes a fairly astute mind to get – and appreciate – a good pun any day of the week.
The puns in my friend’s email were all new to me, so I thought I’d share some of the best of them. Enjoy.
• The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road … and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
• The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
• If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
• A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank. Proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
• There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.