BRAD LOCKE: Chronic condition; Diogo's digit; calling all Dukes

Before I get started, I implore Barry Bonds to give Albert Pujols the three league MVP awards he's been cheated out of.

n Mailbag: Reader Danny McBrayer of Tupelo noted that retired, roaming running back Ricky Williams is taking college courses in Grass Valley, Calif.

I also hear he's met a girl named Mary Jane, and while Williams insists they're only buds, it's rumored that they will weed, er, wed and move to Hempstead, N.Y.

High times, indeed.

n Love hurts: Fella named Paulo Diogo scored a goal in a Swiss Super League game and went into the usual I-just-won-the-lottery celebration. According to The Guardian, Diogo hurdled a metal fence to include the fans in his merriment, which is when the trouble began.

The newlywed's wedding band got caught on the fence, and when Diogo landed, both it and most of his finger were gone. And I kid you not, the referee issued him a yellow card for excessive celebration.

n Quote me: “I don't think Golden Eagles is a strong, competitive name.” – Marquette student Danny Manson, who wants the school to restore its old Warriors nickname, in a Knight Ridder story; he might want to avoid Hattiesburg for a while.

n Someone else's mailbag: This is what we sports writers have to put up with sometimes.

An e-mail to AOL Sports columnist Jim Armstrong: “You're an idiot. What school did you attend to get your degree? Please, I'm begging to know.”

Armstrong: “I attended the Wyoming School of Taxidermy. If you've never heard of my alma mater, you will soon enough. We're on Auburn's non-conference schedule next year.”

n Self-motivation: The 49ers got bulletin board material – from their running back.

When asked what San Fran oughta do with its 2005 draft choices, an injured Kevan Barlow said, “I want seven offensive linemen, the first through seventh round.”

Fullback Fred Beasley ran for 139 yards Sunday in the Niners' win over Arizona.

n Sloppy Southern: USM's women's team committed 48 turnovers in a loss to Louisiana-Monroe last Tuesday.

That's nothing. I once covered a girls high school game that had 90 combined turnovers. Keeping track of them was the only way I could stay awake.

n Headline of the week: “Vinny the poo.” – Fort Worth Star-Telegram, referring to Cowboys QB Vinny Testaverde after Sunday's loss to the 'Aints.

Quick hitters

n Hey, Eli, how's San Diego looking to you now?

n The Browns gained 17 total yards Sunday, fifth fewest in NFL history. Cleveland's offense has become so anemic, it makes Calista Flockhart look like a 'roid freak.

n There will be a casting call for the movie “The Dukes of Hazzard” during the Warriors-Hornets game Wednesday. As part of the promotion, both teams will play in Daisy Duke shorts.

Brad Locke (brad.locke@djournal.com) writes a drug-free column for the Daily Journal.