ERROL CASTENS: Christmas shopping tips from a husband

By Errol Castens

In the holiday spirit:
– Many women don’t really like jewelry, but they give in to society’s pressures to conform; give your wife a new lawn mower instead, and she’ll love you for understanding her real needs.
– If your wife is one of the rare exceptions who believe diamonds are forever, surely she can wait another year.
– Cashmere sweaters mean some sweet little goats somewhere will be cold this winter. She’d much rather have a barncoat to wear to the Christmas party.
– Remind her when you give her electric candles that smoke is bad for her beautiful lungs. She’ll weep with joy at your thoughtfulness.
– Despite all the things that divide humanity, there’s one constant that runs through every society since the beginning of time: Stepladders mean romance.
– Some women are enamored of the rampant gift-giving in “The 12 Days of Christmas,” and the thoughtful husband tries to accommodate her fantasy with, for instance, season football tickets. Doesn’t “drummers drumming, pipers piping, lords a-leaping and ladies dancing” sound a lot like marching bands, fullbacks and cheerleaders?
– Remind your wife that swans a-swimming, geese a-laying, calling birds, French hens and turtle doves all require constant feeding. And what goes in must come out. And be cleaned up.
– Maids a-milking? “Cows” and “cleanup” can’t even go into the same sentence without quotation marks.
– Five golden rings: See the first hint above.
– With their nesting instinct, some wives find gifts of furniture thoughtful. Remind yours that a new formal dining suite will be used maybe six or eight times a year; a new recliner will be used daily. She’ll admire your ability to invest your family’s money wisely.
– If you buy her a DVR, she can record the chick flicks that come on while you’re watching football and watch them when you’re at deer camp.
– Nylon is the new silk.
– Great stocking-stuffer ideas for any wife: Fix-a-Flat, WD-40 and tickets to the gun show.
– What could say “Merry Christmas, Darling,” better than the gift of a fishing license?
– Last-minute gift need? Three words: “Pliers ‘R’ Us.”
– She’d love a bluebird house. Your neighbors aren’t using theirs right now. Problem solved.
– And if you find you absolutely, positively have to go to a big shopping center, don’t park under a pear tree.
Contact Errol Castens at (662) 281-1069 or errol.castens@djournal.com.