By M. Scott Morris/NEMS Daily Journal
If you looked around during the early hours of Friday morning, you didn’t see me. The rush and run of Black Friday is for other people with other priorities. I wasn’t even there in spirit.
When the options are stay in a warm, comfortable bed or scurry with a wild shopping horde at 4 a.m., the answer is understood in my DNA.
The folks who do get up before dawn to prowl the aisles for bargains are curious creatures. I don’t judge them, but I wonder.
Are their beds uncomfortable?
Could they have hormonal or brain chemical imbalances?
Do they know stores also sell things at reasonable hours?
The deals for early morning hustlers must be fantastic, and maybe it’s important to get that hard-to-find toy as quickly as possible.
Last week, my son went through a stack of catalogs and said, “I want that” 742 times – 743 if you count when his sister snatched a catalog out of his hands and he demanded it back.
We’ve got 742 options for the boy. If one of those toys turns out to be hard to find, we have 741 alternatives. No worries there.
As for my daughter, she wants a Snuggie, one of those blankets with sleeves and a hole for your head to fit through. If Friday’s shoppers bought all of the Snuggies in town, I’ll get a blanket, some scissors and a staple gun, then tell her this Snuggie was “Bedazzled.”
My lack of interest in the Black Friday experience involves more than laziness, though that is my first reason.
Second, I like to shop when there aren’t many people around because – no offense – y’all tend to get in my way.
Third, as I understand it, Black Friday involves cut-throat competition for select items, but I already hit my 2010 quota for blood feuds.
Fourth, as a nation, we aren’t the most active people. Does it make sense for stores to encourage shopping frenzies of folks who usually don’t like to get up to find the remote control?
If the elbows start swinging at the discount sock bin, your broken nose could help a plastic surgeon pay for his family’s Christmas.
Think of all the blown out knees and pulled hamstrings that occur when couch potatoes get a running start.
That’ll mean happy holidays for orthopedists and physical therapists. And you’ll need a referral from your family practice doctor, so everybody wins.
I hope you had a successful and safe Black Friday, and thanks for pumping so much money into the economy.
Because of your willingness to mix it up with the other shoppers, you’ve probably crossed most of the items off your Christmas list. Congratulations.
You’ll be able to stay at home and snuggle in your Snuggie on Christmas Eve, when I’m doing my last-minute shopping.
Seriously, would you mind staying at home that day? You know how I feel about crowds.
M. Scott Morris is a Daily Journal entertainment writer. Contact him at (662) 678-1589 or firstname.lastname@example.org.