Madam Jezebel, my medium who is actually an extra large, is on vacation for the holidays in the Philippines where the Mayon volcano is about to blow at any minute, so that should tell you something about her prognosticating skills. So, in the absence of her annual predictions for the coming year, I’ve decided to take a cue from Santa and come up with a wish list for 2010. Here goes:
* At some point next year, probably just after midnight on Jan.1, a celebrity/athlete/reality TV star wannabe will do something really stupid and not a single media outlet will spend more than 30 seconds reporting on it. For the rest of us, the world will continue to turn and keeping our own noses clean will still be more important.
* Along those same lines, every media outlet in the world will decide to go back to practicing real journalism and leave the opinion writing to idiots like me because opinion is just that and we’ve all got one without having to rely on someone else’s.
* In 2010 all of the world’s religious leaders will suddenly be out of a job and most wars will end when archaeologists in the Middle East uncover a Post-It note from God that reads, “You guys are nuts. I’m outta here, you’re on your own.”
* In the 2010 congressional elections, statesmen will replace politicians and a government handout will actually mean helping your constituents instead of a politician with a hand out to special interests. And, given that last wish, why not go ahead and wish for hell to freeze over. It’s just as likely to happen.
* The global warming debate will finally be resolved in 2010 when a wild polar bear eats Al Gore. In Miami. In the dead of winter.
* Swine flu and even the seasonal flu will disappear next year, replaced by the much milder and strangely comforting bunny rabbit flu.
* In 2010 the world will come together as never before in a gigantic engineering and construction project to build a fleet of spaceships to journey to Mars and back after astronomers discover that there’s gold and really good beer in them thar craters.
* Wars will end, economies will prosper and talk radio and the World Wrestling Foundation will cease to exist when education, like car and now health insurance, is made mandatory through at least four years of college.
* And, finally, diabetes will be cured on Earth when its leading cause, Barry Manilow, is taken to Mars and left there.
* I know this is just a wish list and, like our Christmas ones, we rarely get everything on our list. But Santa usually brings at least one from my list. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Marty Russell writes a Wednesday column for the Daily Journal. He can be reached at 222 Farley Hall, University MS 38677 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.