The only thing that would surprise me about a news report that

The only thing that would surprise me about a news report that Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and previously undiscovered portions of the Dead Sea Scrolls had been found in Ted Kaczynski’s cabin would be if Elvis and Hoffa had been found translating the scrolls when the FBI arrested them.

That’s because there is seemingly no end to the things you can pack into a 10-by-12-foot cabin. Each day there has been some new discovery at the plywood Montana home of the man believed to be the Unabomber. It’s as if federal agents were searching King Tut’s tomb. They’ve found everything from pipe bombs and chemicals to weapons, 10 notebooks on bomb making, a list of corporate executives’ addresses, bus schedules, maps of San Francisco, three typewriters …

I know why Kaczynski is a sociopath. He never sleeps. He has no place to lie down. With all that junk in his cabin, he has to go outside just for a good stretch.

Of course, all of this information about what has been found in the cabin has been based largely on anonymous sources. The FBI isn’t saying much officially because they don’t want to scare young children by putting Janet Reno in front of the cameras, according to an anonymous source, who also told me: “We have found a fully operational Boeing 747 in Mr. Kaczynski’s cabin.”

I guess the old, beat up bicycle was just a cover.

I could never live like the alleged Unabomber apparently did and others like him.

Kaczynski is apparently a follower of the Luddite belief that technology is destroying civilization and that the closer we live to nature the better. There’s some truth to that, I suppose. With Earth Day coming up and the Republican Congress back from its Easter recess, we all need to pay more attention to the environment. No doubt about a half-gazillion of you did that this past weekend when you planted your garden or flowers or had that first cookout and then shivered as a cold front blew through on Monday.

And it could be argued that technology is destroying civilization, although you could also argue that, one day, technology will allow us to travel back in time so we can kill the person who invented talk shows. You have to weigh the good with the bad.

I find it amusing though that the same people who rant and rave against technology still can’t give it up. I mean even Kaczynski lived in a cabin made of plywood, and I assume since it had a door on it that some type of forged metal hinges or latches were used. Then there’s that bicycle and those typewriters and those guns.

I could get back to nature and escape from civilization, too, if I could have a satellite dish and telephone like those Freemen holed up in Montana.

But there’s just no escaping from the real world no matter how much we’d all like to tell our bosses to drop dead, preferably from about 35,000 feet, tell the IRS that, like former President Reagan, we no longer recognize the U.S. government, and tell the banks that the $30 million check we’re trying to deposit is good because we own the entire state of Montana.

Then we could all go live in the woods and do as we please and maybe even spread a little anarchy among the indigenous population, like telling the ants to rise up and depose their queen.

In the meantime, though, remember that Earth Day is coming up and we all need to do our part. Because it’s our Earth and a real world. I suggest we live in it.

Marty Russell is senior reporter for the Daily Journal.

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