By M. Scott Morris/NEMS Daily Journal
In his opening statement before Congress, Santa Claus expressed regret for his “Scrooge-like” behavior after learning he’d been summoned to Washington, D.C.
“Please understand, ladies and gentlemen of Congress, that your children and grandchildren spent less than 10 minutes on the Naughty List,” he said. “They were never in danger of getting coal. We have redundancies in place to make sure Christmas is about merit, not whim.”
“That’s good to hear,” said Rep. Grover Norquist, R-Puerto Rico, “Though I can’t help thinking there’s a threat in there somewhere.”
“Nothing of the sort,” Claus said. “North Pole Inc., doesn’t use children as pawns in adult matters. That’s against long-standing policy.”
Claus’ appearance before the committee was the result of a Freedom of Information Act request by The Trump Tribune. Recently released documents revealed North Pole Inc., received billions of dollars from the Federal Reserve.
“None, I say, none of that was reported to the American people,” said Rep. Yahoo Serious, D-Ga.
Before Claus could answer, his red-nosed lawyer covered the microphone and whispered into his ear.
“Secrecy is paramount for our operation,” Claus said. “It’s not an ideal situation, but we feel parents around the world understand the necessity.”
“See? See? That’s another threat from Mr. Claus,” Norquist said.
“Ridiculous,” Claus said, and seemed ready to say more, but the red-nosed lawyer restrained him.
Committee Chairman Earl Bodine, R-Calif., banged his gavel and demanded order from the room.
“Let’s get to specifics,” Bodine said. “You got $2.4 billion during a program called ‘Joesef.’”
“Jolly Ol’ Elf Support and Efficiency Fund,” Claus said. “We used the money to retrofit 15 of our factories.”
“Toward what effect?”
“We more than doubled our productivity,” Claus said. “Before the upgrade, an elf could make only 200 Lite Brites an hour. Now, the average is nearly 500 per FTE.”
“Full-time equivalent?” Serious said.
“Full-time elf, sir,” Santa responded.
“I expect a straightforward answer to my question,” said Rep. Lebron James, R-Fla. “When are we getting our money?”
“You have it now,” Claus said. “We shipped four billion dollars in toys to the Federal Reserve, which sold those toys to China, which then sold them back to American consumers.”
“How, I say, how did the Chinese become involved?” Serious said.
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Claus said.
He and his red-nosed lawyer laughed until Chairman Bodine banged his gavel and demanded an answer to Serious’ question.
“It’s the 21st century,” Claus said. “You can’t have Christmas morning in America without China. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
M. Scott Morris is a Daily Journal feature writer. Contact him at (662) 678-1589 or firstname.lastname@example.org.