M. SCOTT MORRIS: Please rise for 21st century Texting Court

By M. Scott Morris/NEMS Daily Journal

As a man in a black robe stepped into the room, a bailiff said, “All rise! Texting Court now in session. The Honorable Waldo Emerson presiding.”
“Thank you, Jack. I particularly liked the ‘honorable’ part,” the judge said. “Be seated.”
A woman in a severe blue, pinstriped suit read from a piece of pink paper: “The 21st century charges Suzy B. Goode with Texting While Driving.” Mrs. Goode started to stand at the defendant’s table, but the judge stopped her.
“No need, Mrs. Goode. I find you guilty and sentence you to death. Take her away, Jack.”
“But, but, but … I didn’t hurt anybody,” Mrs. Goode protested, then Jack took hold of her arm.
“And, Jack, feel free to smack her around a bit, but don’t let me see it,” the judge said. “Texting While Driving, indeed.”
“It’ll be my honor, your honor,” Jack said.
“Next case, Ms. Prosecutor.”
“The 21st century charges M. Scott Morris with Inadequate Use of Texting,” she said.
“How do you plead, Mr. Morris?” the judge said.
A handsome, young man stepped up to the defendant’s table and said, “Not guilty, your honor.”
“Make your case,” the judge said.
“I sent a ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ text and it took me 15 minutes. Is that really an efficient use of my time?”
“I’ll ask the questions around here, Mr. Morris. Did you not think to send ‘Happy T-giving?’ How about ‘Yeah Turkey?’ Or a humble ‘God Bless?’ I take it from your blank stare that none of these time-saving options occurred to you.
“No need to answer,” the judge continued. “Guilty. Take away his cable television for six months. Maybe that will give Mr. Morris time to hone his texting skills.”
“But… what? … no cable? … OMG,” Mr. Morris said. “Judge, I did it, ‘OMG.’ I texted. I texted.”
“You spoke, Mr. Morris,” the judge said. “Jack, you know what to do, and if his head bangs into the wall a few times, I don’t want to know about it.”
“Sure thing, your honor,” Jack said.
“Next case, Ms. Prosecutor.”
“The 21st century charges Ronald Trump with Texting While in the Presence of Splendor.”
“What are the specifics?”
“He sent 713 texts during a visit to Yellowstone National Park.”
“Whew! 713, really?”
“And 49 at Old Faithful alone.”
“I can explain, your honor,” the defendant said.
“Don’t waste your breath, Mr. Trump. As for you, Ms. Prosecutor, you know this case is beyond my jurisdiction.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“I don’t understand,” Mr. Trump said.
“It’s simple,” the judge said. “You’ve given your soul to AT&T.”
“I use Verizon,” he said.
“Same difference,” Judge Emerson said. “There’s nothing the 21st century can do to you that you haven’t already done to yourself. Next case, please.”

M. Scott Morris is a Daily Journal entertainment writer. Contact him at (662) 678-1589 or scott.morris@journalinc.com.