M. SCOTT MORRIS: My shutdown fix involves Mike Tyson

M. SCOTT MORRIS

M. SCOTT MORRIS

I’ve been driven to distraction by the government shutdown, and it hasn’t been healthy. The main problem is I’ve been following the news as though I could do something about it, but the comings and goings of Congress are out of my hands.

Still, I look to the next article or report, hoping for signs that a way forward is near.

I’m no fan of the shutdown, but that’s probably because I thought 40 years of trying to get near universal health care for American citizens was more than enough time to wait.

The Affordable Care Act is a large, ponderous thing, and I’m concerned about how it will roll out.

But that transition would’ve been a whole lot smoother if Republicans had worked to improve the law, rather than voting some 40 times to defund it, especially when none of those votes had the remotest chance of success. Democrats control the Senate and the presidency, so the defund votes went nowhere.

In the face of that reality, House Republicans decided their only remaining course of action was the government shutdown that we’re all enjoying today.

On some level, I can’t blame them for it. If I had the power to shut down the government to get what I wanted, I’d sure as heck use it.

Consider the fact that members of Congress are eligible to receive their pay, while federal employees across the country aren’t getting theirs.

That’s wrong on more levels than I can count.

I wouldn’t let the wheels of government start spinning again until my Fiscal Punishment Bill became the law of this great land of ours.

Simply put, all elected federal officials who take pay during the government shutdown that they caused should be punched in the face by Mike Tyson.

It seems over-the-top, I know, but think about it. Tyson isn’t the same monster he was back in his heyday.

He’s had some drug and alcohol issues, as I understand, and he’s got asthma, so he’d probably tire easily. His punches wouldn’t be nearly as effective as they once were.

That’s one of the reasons I picked 10 punches. The second reason is I wanted to give the opposition a bargaining point. After negotiations, I’d reopen the government if they agreed to endure five of the best punches Tyson could deliver in his weakened condition.

You might not agree with my reason for a government shutdown, but I don’t care. I’m a red-blooded American and Tyson-absolutist, who won’t be satisfied until our elected officials feel real pain, be that financial or Tyson-induced. I’d take either, but would prefer the latter.

Once everyone submits to my demand, I’ll start getting my plans ready for the next budget year. If this shutdown results in punches, I should be able to get LeBron James to dish out wedgies next time.

Ours is a beautiful country, isn’t it?

M. Scott Morris is a Daily Journal feature writer. Contact him at (662) 678-1589 or scott.morris@journalinc.com.