The new year finally has arrived, which means we no longer have to tolerate all the “best of” lists for the year gone by. Instead, it’s time to look ahead to 2014 with our annual visit from Madame Jezebel, a psychic medium who is really an extra large.
JANUARY – The Mississippi Legislature convenes and, as a first order of business, votes to hire the person responsible for the HealthCare.gov web site to handle online applications for voter ID cards. Two people in DeSoto County and four in Madison County are able to log on.
FEBRUARY – You’re kidding, right? Nothing happens in February. It’s too short and cold.
MARCH – “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson shocks fans by declaring that “duck hunting is a sin. How could you shoot such beautiful creatures?” Astronomers announce they have discovered a huge comet heading straight for Earth.
APRIL – Bowing to pressure, Walmart announces it will begin providing health benefits to employees. It won’t include insurance but employees will now get a discount on aisles 4 through 10 in the pharmacy section. Ninety percent of Americans finally start using 2014 when writing checks.
MAY – As summer approaches, those scientists trapped in the ice on a ship in Antarctica decline any further rescue attempts saying they haven’t made it through the entire Netflix library yet given that they apparently have the best Internet service on the planet.
JUNE – The makers of Doritos post a record first-quarter profit three months after the legalization of marijuana in Colorado and Washington. Astronomers revise their prediction of a catastrophic collision with a huge comet and say it now appears the comet could disintegrate before it reaches Earth.
JULY – Republicans in Congress, looking ahead to the 2016 presidential election, attempt to pass a law making pant suits for women illegal in this country and punishable by exile.
AUGUST – Faced with yet another year of declining state funding for public universities, both Ole Miss and Mississippi State announce they will no longer offer classes, just athletics. Both Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan join convents after learning that nuns tolerate bad habits.
SEPTEMBER – After bungling deliveries of Christmas purchases last holiday shopping season and after the failure of its drone delivery system, retailing giant Amazon announces it will deliver packages this Christmas by missiles.
OCTOBER – In testimony before the U.S. Supreme Court, NSA officials report that 99.9 percent of all cellphone calls intercepted in this country were boring and unnecessary.
NOVEMBER – Astronomers hold a press conference to announce that the Earth is no longer in danger of a comet collision after discovering it was really just a speck of dust on the telescope lens that apparently blew away.
DECEMBER – The last brick-and-mortar retailer in the U.S. closes its doors after its facility is devastated by what authorities say was apparently a missile attack.
Have a great new year!
Marty Russell writes a Wednesday column for the Daily Journal. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.