By Marty Russell
Personally, I’ve always been a breast man myself, although I can understand how some guys are leg men. But I had no idea just how many people were wing lovers until the recent brouhaha over the possibility of a chicken wing shortage right before the Super Bowl.
Now, granted, all those different sauces you can get your wings marinated or dipped in can be tempting, but I’m sorry, I just like a little meat on my bird, and that’s about all you get with a chicken wing, a little meat. I mean, they don’t even do the chickens much good, barely enough to lift them off the ground on a good run and with a butcher chasing after them.
In case you haven’t heard, there have been many reports in recent days that there would be a chicken wing shortage just prior to the big game where wings are apparently as much a part of the event as silly commercials and lip-synching the national anthem (sorry, Beyonce). But in truth it seems those reports were misinterpreted and didn’t tell the whole story.
In a classic case of which came first, the chicken or the wings, it seems that chicken producers were warning consumers about an inevitable price hike in the cost of wings because, well, you can’t have wings without a whole bird attached. It seems the demand for wings just prior to the Super Bowl spikes, to use a football term, so much compared to the rest of the bird (especially the feet and beaks) that producers can’t sell enough of the other parts to make a profit so they have to hike (I know, I know) the price on all chicken.
It’s become something of a national emergency, much like that maple syrup heist in Canada a few months back when someone broke into the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, yes, it exists, in that country and made off with 6 million gallons of the stuff. Apparently, unlike our Strategic Oil Reserve here in the U.S., Canada runs on syrup.
There’s even been talk of postponing the Super Bowl until chicken wing stocks can be brought up to demand. Let’s face it, nobody watches for the game, we watch for those silly commercials, the chance for another wardrobe malfunction and because it’s an excuse to pig out on unhealthy snacks without anybody chiding us for it.
President Barack Obama, who recently confessed to being a big football fan, has even hinted at an executive order that would require federal funding of stem cell research to determine whether wings can be grown without the chicken, much like stem cell research into growing human organs without the human.
And Republicans are said to be in damage control mode after one leading GOP lawmaker suggested game watchers just switch to chicken nuggets instead. Get real. There’s less meat in those things (if any at all) than chicken wings.
Marty Russell writes a Wednesday column for the Daily Journal. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.