I have mentioned before that something my lovely and talented wife Alison and I get a kick out of doing is reading the local police and sheriff’s reports out loud.
It is a reminder to us that there are indeed many people out there who are dumber than we are. I am here to let you know that we have many criminals – and some “victims” – walking among us who are more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal. These all come from Tupelo and Lee County. Most all of the reports involved alcohol consumption. But here are a few that involved perfectly sober Mississippians.
Listen to this one, and I am going to quote the police report: “A man reported that someone stole the Pioneer CD player out of his car. He said the car was locked but one window was broken and would not roll up.”
So the man had his car locked up. I don’t know what more he could have done. He just never thought a thief would be smart enough to notice his rolled-down window and then figure out how to unlock the car.
- Here is another one from the same week: “Officer noticed the tag on a 1990 Cadillac expired in July and stopped the driver. The female told the officer she left her license at home but knew her information. She gave a name, birth date and Social Security number. A radio check revealed she had surrendered her license in Washington and TPD held an active arrest warrant. After the woman was handcuffed, she admitted she lied and gave her sister’s name and info, not knowing about the suspended license or warrant. The woman was then arrested for giving false information, no driver’s license, no proof of insurance and an expired tag.”
Did you get that? If not, read it again. It’s worth it.
- From the “With Friend’s Like This…” department comes the next two stories: “A man said he and a male acquaintance went to Bumpers. The man set $175 on the console while he pushed the button to order. The acquaintance then grabbed the cash and took off running, disappearing behind the drive-in.”
Moral to this story is that you need to know – I mean really know – the people you take with you to Bumpers Drive In. The report did not say how the fellow paid for his order.
- “A man left his car at a friend’s house. When he went to pick up the car, both the car and the friend were gone. He called the suspect (his friend), but the suspect refused to tell him where the 1991 Mercury Sable was located.”
- Here’s one from Saltillo: “A woman reported that someone came on to her property and stole a concrete bird bath.” Does it get any lower than stealing a lady’s concrete bird bath? Think of the birds who now have to go without baths. I hope whoever stole it drops it on their foot.
- From Tupelo: “A man reported that his ex wife keeps taking his car at night while he is asleep. She drives away before he wakes up.” What I want to know is – if she brings it back before he wakes up, how does he know she takes it in the first place?
- “A woman said she went to Veterans Park. She left the windows down and the doors unlocked. While she was away, someone stole her purse from the floorboard of the car. The purse contained cash, four credit cards, a food stamp card as well as the woman’s medication, which included Xanax, Percocet, Valium, morphine and Protzone.”
I think, and maybe this is a long shot, that there might be a connection between this much dope in your system and forgetting to lock you car while your purse sits in the floorboard. And what is a person on food stamps doing with four credit cards? I have to give her credit, no pun intended, for having an outstanding memory when it comes to remembering what all was in her purse.
- “Employees at Scruggs Farm & Garden saw a man enter the store wearing one pair of boots and leave wearing a different pair. The security alarm sounded as he attempted to leave. The suspect gave the arresting officer misleading information throughout the interview process. The man did say that one of his friends bet him he couldn’t steal a pair of boots and get away with it, so he decided to try it.”
What went unreported was that when this guy’s momma came to bail him out of jail she said this: “If your friend told you to jump off a building would you do it?”
Tim Wildmon is a resident of Baldwyn and writes as a community columnist. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.