BRAD LOCKE: Tiger's school; monkey ball; cancerous Carter

As I was pondering the terrifying (for the BCS) prospect of a Boston College-Utah Fiesta Bowl – and how a College could even be on the same level with universities – I ran across a short story in the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle about the Strom Thurmond High School football team in South Carolina.

Nickname? The Rebels.

That got me wondering about what other nicknames might befit a high school named for a famous person.

Tiger Woods High. No, not the Tigers. The Kittens. He's married now, you know.

Arlen Specter High. The Republocrats.

Larry King High. The Pulse (but it only has a softball team).

Ray Lewis High. The Acquitted.

Ricky Williams High. Oh, wait, that was a headline.

n Guess who: Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel wrote, “They used to call him Automatica' because he so rarely missed. They used to call him Dramatica' because of his penchant for kicking game-winners. But now, he has become 'problematica' and 'erratica.'”

Of whom was Bianchi speaking?

n Lane dame: A woman qualified for a PBA tournament last week, the first to do so. And who says bowling isn't a real sport, just like Foosball?

Does this mean Pete Weber's celebratory “crotch chop” will be deemed sexual harassment?

n Quote me: “Pressure will make a monkey eat a hot pepper. If a monkey is hungry and he's pressured to bring something and he sees a yellow thing up there that looks like a banana and he doesn't pay any attention to it, he thinks it's a banana, and he takes it back to the little monkey tribe, and they eat peppers.

(Stay with me, folks.)

“But when he goes back up in that tree and he doesn't have any pressure, he knows a banana from a hot pepper.” – Carolina Panthers DT Brentson Buckner, talking about pressurized monkeys, I guess.

n Wolffe attack: This is how you make the most of an opportunity.

Andy Wolffe, a 5-foot-7, 140-pound flanker who'd had nine carries all year, filled in for the injured tailback in Iroquois (N.Y.) High's playoff game Friday, reported the Buffalo News. Wolffe promptly ran for 271 yards and a state playoff-record seven touchdowns. He totaled 445 all-purpose yards.

n Guess who answer: Tampa Bay kicker Martin Gramatica. “The time has come,” wrote Bianchi, “to correct this Gramatical error.”

Quick hitters

n I kid you not, Baltimore's Health & Fitness Expo will feature Michael Phelps. Although they may replace him with Ricky Williams.

n Ben Roethlisberger declined an invitation to appear on Wheel of Fortune. He didn't want to risk his unbeaten streak.

n Word is Vince Carter has become a clubhouse cancer in Toronto. Tests reveal, however, that he's benign.

Brad Locke (brad.locke@djournal.com) writes a subtly political sports column for the Daily Journal.