JOHN L. PITTS: I’ve got time to kill

JOHN L. PITTS

JOHN L. PITTS

CORINTH

I don’t want to start competing with our Kevin Tate as an outdoors columnist, but I have a few words I would like to share about deer:

Kill them all.

The deer have begun gathering on the sides of the road again. Before they get me, I would like to get them first.

It’s been about a year since my most recent deer-related auto accident, a literal fender-bender that happened on my way home from work. I spend most of my time on the drive home watching the right shoulder for deer, so of course this one ambled in from the left.

Another half second, I would have missed it. Timing is everything.

Which is why I don’t think we need specific deer season. It should be deer season all year long.

If I can kill a deer with a Honda at any time of year, I should also be able to do so with a Remington. Or my bare hands.

If it were up to me, MDOT would have a fleet of Mad Max-style trucks – festooned with steel spikes and barbed wire – patrolling the roads day and night, harvesting as many deer as dared stand on the roadside. Spotlighting wouldn’t be illegal, it would be encouraged.

In addition to primitive and contemporary weapons, the state should approve the use of futuristic weapons as well. Laser swords, drones, nanobots – whatever works. Set phasers to kill … deer.

There’s historic precedent for all this.

We nearly killed off all the buffalo once upon a time. We need a return of that fighting American spirit, this time aimed – literally – at this infestation of roadside terrorists.

We can keep a few in zoos and deer parks, but that’s enough.

And after that’s fixed, we’ll get the squirrels.

Random thoughts

• I was having trouble with my office computer and it turned out to be a bad mouse. Not a piece of equipment, a real mouse that chewed on the network cables. Probably in league with the deer.

• Ole Miss should invite Norway’s much-decorated Olympian, Ole Einar Bjoerndalen, to visit Oxford. He’d probably have a grand ole time.

• I read there’s a national clown shortage. They’re all in Washington.

John L. Pitts (john.pitts@journalinc.com) is sports editor of the Journal.