They don't have to get up every morning and worry about who's going to be running the football team this Saturday, what the team's mascot is going to look like or how to protect the weaker sex from their misguided notions that they possess the wisdom for self-determination. Ah, to be as blissfully content and problem-free as other states like New York where people can simply gather daily in a park and join hands, sing songs and enjoy the good life.
It must be nice because here in Mississippi we don't have time for all those fun and games. We have serious problems that must be addressed immediately else we're going to descend into chaos, possibly break off and sink into the Gulf of Mexico and fail to provide the rest of the country with the shining example that allows the other 49 states to enjoy nirvana.
Something has to be done. We can't go on week after week losing football games. It's the very fiber of our being, our souls that are at stake here. How can God continue to bless us, as he has for so many years, if we can't even post a 6-6 record? Who could blame the Almighty for turning his back on us and letting us decline into the laughing stock of the rest of the nation?
Thankfully, we here in Mississippi always rise to our civic duty when faced with apocalyptic scenarios such as this and the numbers of the Occupy the Lyceum movement are growing every day. You can always count on Mississippians to rise to the occasion when real problems surface here.
And we don't have any complaints about our government listening to the people and doing what's right for them. Already the state is eagerly awaiting the arrival of petitions from concerned Mississippians to force one of the state's major universities to comply with the will of the people and get rid of that mangy excuse for a mascot. There's certainly no disconnect between the governed and the governors here when it comes to the really serious problems facing us.
And, despite the fact that it'll probably be declared unconstitutional before the ink is dry, our lawmakers recognize the fact that women can't be trusted to make their own decisions about unwanted pregnancies or preventing them in the first place. We certainly don't have a problem with unwanted children crowding the welfare rolls. What we need are more.
Let the other 49 states envy us. At least we have our priorities straight when it comes to the really big problems.
Marty Russell writes a Wednesday column for the Daily Journal. He can be reached at 222 Farley Hall, University MS 38677 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.